


steps into the great unknown

by TeheheHoran



Series: Prompts [1]
Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, Asexuality, Dead Poets Society - Freeform, M/M, Tumblr Prompt, ace!todd, anderperry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-09
Updated: 2015-07-09
Packaged: 2018-04-08 10:57:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4302162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeheheHoran/pseuds/TeheheHoran
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Eureka." Neil breathed out stopping in front of Todd's desk.</p><p>"Greek, for 'I have found it.' What have you found?" Todd asked inquisitively, turning all his attention to Neil's hopefully face.</p><p>"What you feel, it has a name." After Neil's words Todd's heart might of well fallen as the floor because it was going crazy in his chest, he took and deep breath and looked into Neil's eyes.</p><p>"I, what is it?" Todd stuttered out, eyes darting around Neil's form in front of him.</p><p>or the one where Todd is asexual and Neil is more than ok with that</p>
            </blockquote>





	steps into the great unknown

**Author's Note:**

> prompt from enceiles on tumblr who asked for asexual todd. i was so happy to write this bc ace todd gives me life? they are a bit ooc towards the end but yeah. i felt weird writing the small sexual part i was like eww eww eww the whole time so, @todd same. no real trigger warnings its just that sad todd is sad and sexual neil is horny. i didn't edit this bc im lazy af, i hope it's ok! you can find me here http://tehehehoran.tumblr.com/

When Todd was thirteen he had his first stumble. He, innocent as he is, stumbled across the thing that would haunt him until he was seventeen. Porn. Well it wasn't quite porn per say, it was Playboy Magazine. His older brother was of course away so Todd thought what harm could come from exploring his room. He thought quite wrong. While digging through the depths of his brothers closet he found it. A harmless magazine?

Well that's what he assumed before he opened it up. Turning to a random page would change the way Todd viewed himself for the rest of his life. So that's exactly what he did. What he saw, he did not like. There was a woman, sitting in a very feminine pose, on a cheetah print chair...naked. Todd had an understanding of what this was, he heard the older boys at school. And yet it didn't sit right with him, almost made him sick. So he closed that magazine and put it back where he found it. He never saw it again.

Flash forward and Todd is fifteen. All the boys around him are saying profane things. They talk about boobs and butts, about girls in the halls and girls on the TV. They got boners in class when they talked to a pretty girl and Todd never understood why. He never felt this way to the girls in his class or to anyone at all. So he started to worry, Todd had never been exactly like the boys in school and this was just another thing that he wasn't. He was scared and afraid. _'I'm not normal.' 'What's wrong with me?' 'Why can't I be like everyone else.'_

These thoughts ran wild in his mind. He felt inhuman. He was so scared. He felt wrong, and most of all he felt insecure and unloved. So he shut himself away and cut off all thoughts of being who he was. He faked being normal and acted happy, and all the while in the inside he was dying. A year passed and he found himself faced with the fact that he was going to Welton, an all boys school, where he had to be normal. This only drove Todd into a downwards spiral of anxiety and depression, he dreaded his soul.

* * *

 

When Todd walked through the crowded halls of the Welton Academy dorms his heart clenched in anxiety. As he approached what he assumed to be his dorm he saw a red head leaning in the door way. He didn't hear all of his words and caught the end of his sentence.

"Looks like a stiff!" Todd ignored him and squeezed past. The boy looked at him and grimaced. "Oops." The boy left the doorway and crossed the hall. Todd didn't make eye contact as he set down his suitcase on his bed and began to unpack. His roommate, Neil Perry, smiled at the boy as he left and tapped Todd on the back.

"Listen, don't mind Cameron. He's an asshole." Neil said and three other boys came to the door. God, would it be like this all the time?

* * *

 

Todd discovered the answer to that question was yes, it would be like this all the time. This was because Neil was very social and Todd was very shy. They contrasted greatly but somehow became great friends, against Todd's wishes. But really, in his life when had anything he wanted go his way? So inevitably this is how he ended up in a cave at 1:00 am with the rest of The Dead Poets, a group of his new found friends. He was sat mighty close to Neil in the cave floor as Charlie stood to read a poem. "An original." Charlie said as he pulled out a paper and began to unfold it.

As soon as Todd saw the smiling woman his heart sank. He felt sick to his stomach as Charlie unfolded it more, the rest of the boys laughed. Two years, Todd didn't have to face what he felt. Two years of pretending to be like everyone else, all ruined right here where he was finally beginning to feel loved. "Teach me to Love? Go teach thy self more wit." Charlie said smugly. The boys were all laughing as they shone their flashlights on the picture. Todd forced himself to join in with their actions even if he felt like sinking into Neil's touch and disappearing forever.

Once Charlie finished his poem Todd was silent and rarely interacted with for the rest of the meeting. While the rest of the boys were carefree and light Todd longed to be back in the dorm with Neil, to feel comfortable an normal again. So when they marched out of the cave singing Todd stayed as close to Neil as he could until the got to the wood's edge. Neil was his comfort, his normal. Todd felt safe with Neil, and he felt loved. When the two of them arrived back at their dorm Neil was still smiling. He came close to Todd as he put his coat away.

"Did you like it?" Neil asked looking deep into Todd's eyes.

"Yeah, yeah I did . Thanks for letting me come." Todd responded shyly as he escaped Neil's gaze and scurried to his bed.

"It's no problem, hey I'm sorry about Charlie's stunt back there. He's a ton of fun but doesn't know boundaries." Neil noted as he got into his bed as well. Todd froze at his words. Neil was close enough to know that Todd was uncomfortable when Charlie brought out that picture. _'He knows. Oh God he knows. He thinks I'm a freak!'_ Todd thought as his heart hammered away in his chest. "Todd?" Neil asked concerned, looking at Todd's frozen figure.

"Uhh, i-it's alright. He was just, uhh, joking around." Todd reassured as he got under his covers and turned away from Neil. Neil deflated at Todd's cold shoulder and got into bed as well.

"Goodnight Todd." He tried as a last effort to settle the uneasiness. Todd never responded.

Over the next few weeks Todd's feelings for Neil only grew. Neil was so kind to Todd and comforting. Todd could be himself around him, his true self. A little too late Todd realized that he was falling in love with Neil, and honestly this was one bump in to road he was okay with.

* * *

 

Todd found himself in a place he never wanted to be in, arguing with Neil.

"No! I-I don't know. But that's not the point. T-the point is, there's nothing you can do about it. So you can just butt out. I can take care of myself just fine. Alright?" Todd regretted his words as soon as they left him mouth. Neil's expressed sunk as he looked right into Todd's eyes, he was silent for a few moments until he started to shake his head.

"No." Neil's voice was an octave higher than it usually was and he sounded defiant. Todd rolled his head to his right and then looked back at Neil.

"What do you mean no?" Todd asked confused. A smirk spreads it's way across Neil's face, his eyes crinkling at the edges and God, Todd is swoon. Neil proceeds to shake his head the tiniest bit before speaking again.

"No." His eyes dart to the notebook on Todd's lap. He snatches it up and darts across the room to stand on his own bed. Panic floods Todd's veins, he stands and goes after the smiling boy.

"Give me that, Neil. Neil!" Todd protests in a panicked tone as he chases his roommate around the room. Neil, however, does not listen.

"What is this I'm seeing? Poetry! I'm being chased by Walt Whitman!" The brunette exclaimed. Todd catches up to him and the both are shoved against the wall at the force of Todd's lunge. They fall to the floor in a pile of adrenaline. Neil is laughing and Todd is smiling. He takes back his notebook and Neil sighs.

"Ok, ok." Neil laughs as he tilts his head back to rest it on the wall. Todd closes his notebook and slides it under the bed. They are quite for a few beats as they catch their breath and Todd picks at his nails. Suddenly, like everything he does, Neil snaps up and looks right at Todd.

 _'He can see my soul._ ' Is what stupidly runs through Todd's mind. Sadly Neil cannot see his soul, his powers are only so strong, but he can see his heart. A small thing that is hurt and damaged, beaten around the edges. He can see it in Todd's eyes, his pretty blue eyes, although it's small, it can grow. It can become beautiful like the boy before him. Neil desires to change that heart. The same thing is running through both of their minds.

 _'God, I want to kiss him.'_ They meet in the middle, they do. Their lips meet and Todd feels like crying, because this, this is what it feels like to be welcomed and loved. Things he hasn't felt in forever. Neil is feeling like his heart is on fire, his mind is fuzzy and blank. For once in his life he isn't trying to be something everyone wants him to be, because in Todd, he finds himself.

* * *

 

From that moment on, their relationship blossoms. Todd thinks about Neil all the time and Neil can't keep his hands to himself. He holds his hand under the table when they eat, they share a seat in study group. When they have meetings Neil huddles himself into the corner with Todd. He always wants to have contact in some way, and sometimes this makes Todd uncomfortable. Especially when they're being intimate. While Neil wants to feel all over, and Todd means _all over_ ,Todd's body, Todd would rather him keep his hands above the shoulders. So that causes a problem, like right now.

Todd entered the room from the showers, his hair was still wet and slicked back. He still had his towel wrapped around his waist and one hanging off his neck because he forgot to bring his change of clothes to the showers. Neil looked up from the book he was reading and took off his glasses. Neil stood and walked up to Todd, pressing their lips together. He couldn't help himself when Todd looked like this, it turned him on. Todd let out a sound of surprise when he was forcefully kissed. Neil hummed and smiled, lips moving sloppily against the shorter boy's. He pulled away, groaning a bit as his hands slid down Todd's sides.

"You look so good babe." He whispered as he tucked his face into Todd's neck and began to leave light kisses there. Todd felt awkward standing there. Obviously his lovely boyfriend was enjoying himself and Todd felt complied to let him be. So shoved away his insecurities and let his fingers thread through Neil's hair. Soon enough Neil was getting carried away and moved his hands to cup Todd's bum. Todd seized up a bit but Neil didn't seem to notice. But when the taller of the two pulled their hips flush together Todd started to panic. Neil was still working away at Todd's neck, sure to be leaving marks Todd would have to cover up. He pulled away from Todd's collarbone and connected their lips again. This time is was all tongue and teeth, doing nothing to calm Todd's nerves. Todd could feel his towel starting to loosen and start to slip off, he started to tense up, he needed to stop this.

Then it happened, Neil's hips bucked against Todd's and he couldn't take it. He shoved Neil off him quickly. Their lips disconnected with a sound that made Todd shutter. Neil was wide eyed and concerned, there was still a string of spit connecting to two so he reached up to wipe it away. Todd on the other hand was shaking. When Neil noticed this he took a step forward to comfort his boyfriend, this caused him to whimper and step back. Neil's heart sunk at the fear in Todd's eyes.

"Todd?" Neil's voice was barely heard as it cracked and disappeared into nothing. Todd was taking deep breaths to calm his nerves, shaking his head. "Todd, please. What's wrong? What did I do?" At his words Todd let out a sob and sunk to the floor. Now Neil was really starting to panic, he didn't know what to do.

"I-I can't do it."

"What can't you do? What's wrong?"

"That, I can't do it. I'm wrong, I'm a freak." Todd whimpered, burring his face in between his knees. Neil slowly at on the floor across from him.

"Todd look at me, you're not a freak. Look at me, please." Neil demanded, reaching out to touch Todd's knee. Todd slowly raised his head and wiped at his eyes. "Get dressed and we'll talk ok?" He asked, going to his bed. Todd nodded and stood again, still shaking a little bit as he dried off the rest of the way and quickly put on his sleepwear. When he was done he walked over to his own bed and sat, looking at his hands. "What happened?" Neil whispered, looking desperate. Todd looked up at him with sad eyes.

"I'm sorry." He apologized, sounding broken.

"Don't you dare apologize. What did I do?" Neil demanded seriously. Todd swallowed.

"It's not you." Todd tried to reason but the other boy wasn't having any of it.

"Bullshit, please tell me Todd, I want to help." The actor urged, leaning forward.

"Umm, I eh. I'm not normal. I mean, how do I explain this. I'm not comfortable with what just happened." The words that came out of his mouth were slow, like he was trying to process what he was saying before it all spilled out.

"You don't like me kissing you?" Neil asked, a tad bit of sadness in his voice.

"No! I mean yes, no? I-I enjoy kissing you I do. I, uhh, don't like making out." Todd stuttered out, trying to salvage the conversation.

"Oh umm, ok?" Neil was tilting his head to the side in question.

"Listen, I've never been interested in. You know, sexual things. It's never appealed to me and um, I don't really get turned on." Todd tried to explain how he felt but his words weren't making any sense.

"Oh." Neil sounds surprised but intrigued

"I, oh God. I thought for years something was wrong with me. I wasn't like everyone else. They always wanted to get in someone's pants but I. I thought that was sick. The thought of you know, doing those things made me uneasy. I felt like a freak." Todd's voice was cracking now, his throat was tightening and it made it hard to speak. Some time during his speech Neil joined Todd on the bed. His eyes were soft and loving . "But then I got here and I met you . And you got me, understood me and I felt safe. But then what happened in the cave." Todd paused, nodding off. Neil tensed up a little.

"Charlie." He whispered.

"Yeah, I um felt really bad then, I had kept my feelings in for so long, and then it just brought back bad memories." Todd is letting his tears slip down his face, not bothering to wipe them away because there is no use. "I just, I can't do those things Neil. I'm a terrible boyfriend and I can't give you everything you need." He let out and a sob followed his words. Neil pursed his lips, eyes brows scrunching together and jaw tight.

"No. No that's not how this works Todd. We are in a relationship because I respect you. You are my equal because in you, I see myself. We are equals and I will not let you put my selfish needs above your health." Neil protested, leaning into Todd's space. Todd was shaking with the force of keeping his tears in, sucking in ragged breaths and then letting them out in soft cries. Neil hesitated and wrapped his arms around the shaking boy and pulled him into his lap. Todd nuzzled his face into the older's shoulder. "Shh. It's ok Todd. Let it out babe. We'll figure this out together. We'll put a name to how you feel. You belong here, you are normal I swear. You're better than normal you're extraordinary." Neil said to the boy in his arms, holding him tight.

For the first time in Todd's life he felt complete.

* * *

 

Here's the thing, Neil loves Todd, and Todd loves Neil. Everyone knows it, sickeningly so. So at the moment Meeks as going to get a headache from these two cooing over each other and Charlie has already left, gagging. One would wonder what these two boys were doing so we'll give you a rundown. While most couple would make out or flirt or even run off to have sex, not these idiot. Todd is trying to explain the trig homework to Neil but obviously the other boy is not paying attention to anything other than the movement of Todd's lips and his hushed tone. His heart eyes are so obvious Meeks is surprised Todd hasn't noticed, or maybe he just doesn't care. Usually this would be cute and the rest of the lads would be happy for the two of them. But it happens ever day, every single day. Charlie can;t make a joke about the sexual tension because there is none, obviously. So they have to put up with the extreme heart eyes and mind melting little kisses.

Meeks can't stand it anymore and escapes the room with a short apology that he has to go help Pitts with something. As soon as their door shuts Neil is all over Todd. He just picks him and and holds him in his arms. Todd is laughing and rolling his eyes at the same time because for God's sake.

"Good gracious Neil were you listening to anything I was saying?" Todd joked as he crawled out of Neil's arms and sat across from him on the bed.

"Nope." Neil laughed and leaned in to give Todd a sweet kiss. Todd rolled his eyes and gave Neil a little shove on the shoulder.

"You're impossible. Why did I ever say I would date you?" Todd said exasperated.

"Because you love me." Neil insisted, wrapping an arm around his boyfriend's waist, pulling him close to him again. Todd smiled and leaned in until just their foreheads and noses were pressed together.

"Hell yeah I do." Todd promised, kissing Neil sweet and slow.

"Did I just hear Todd Anderson swear?" Neil joked with faux shock when they pulled away from each other.

"Hell yeah you did."

* * *

 

After the great revelation of Todd's feelings Neil promised he would find a name for how Todd felt. So when Neil burst into their room with a look of shock and excitement on his face Todd's heart gave out a putter.

"What?" Todd asked, closing his book after marking his page as Neil marched towards him.

"Eureka." Neil breathed out stopping in front of Todd's desk.

"Greek, for "I have found it." What have you found?" Todd asked inquisitively, turning all his attention to Neil's hopefully face.

"What you feel, it has a name." After Neil's words Todd's heart might of well fallen as the floor because it was going crazy in his chest, he took and deep breath and looked into Neil's eyes.

"I, what is it?" Todd stuttered out, eyes darting around Neil's form in front of him.

"Asexual. Here look at it." Neil answered quickly, thrusting a book into Todd's lap. Todd looked down slowly and his eyes scanned the page for what Neil was talking about. When he finally found it he read it over and over. The more he looked it the more his heart soared and the wetter his eyes were. He was smiling and crying, looking at Neil who was doing the same thing. He said the only thing he felt was fit for the moment.

"Eureka."

_'Asexual: Having no /sexual attraction/ to others; having no desire to have sex. A person who is not interested in or does not desire sexual activity, either within or outside of a relationship. Asexuality is not the same as celibacy, which is the willful decision to not act on sexual feelings. Asexuals, while not physically sexual-type folks, are none the less quite capable of loving, affectionate, romantic ties to others.'_


End file.
